A big
city lawyer from Washington, D.C. went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low
country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over
the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This
is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer
said, "Look, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US, and if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this
with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick
Rule.....what is the Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well,
first I kick you three times, and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The
old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned
every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you
old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck."
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. hey promised to be out between 8:00 AM & 7:00PM. When
I asked if they could give me a smaller time window the pleasant gentleman
asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that
I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't
working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does
YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I
had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that
she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card
in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars, and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company
due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the
life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To
which he replied, "I know -- I already got that side."
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by
transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following
are exceptionally clever. Someone out here either has far too much spare
time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters Left
over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE <><>HE FINDS INTERNS!! >>