Closely Knit

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Word Count

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What

The Die hard Fan

Bob receives a free ticket to the superbowl from his boss. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it. Before he sits down though he asks the man next to him, " Excuse me, is someone sitting here?" The man says no. "Wow," says Bob. "Who would have a superbowl ticket and not use it?" "Well, actually," says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife but she died. This is the first superbowl we haven't been at together since we were married back in '69." "I'm sorry," says Bob, "But couldn't you bring a friend or relative?" "No," answers the man. "They're all at the funeral."

All in the Family

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

Midnight Snack

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the refrigerator again

Two Old Ladies
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach

A Fishy Burial

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Oncoming Traffic

A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!" She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"

Religious Bearing

One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something behind him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got closer, so the frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God, I know I denied you so many times, that it would be foolish for me to ask you to help me, so I ask you to please make the bear a Christian." When he finished his prayer, the bear got down on its knees. The atheist got closer, and heard the bear was saying: "God, bless this food I'm about to eat."

Heaven Can Wait

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Good Horse Sense

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?" She answers, "Your horse just phoned."

Sherlock Holmes and the Great Outdoors

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Wrong Answer

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

What DO They Want?

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

What Big Teeth You Have...
An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup. Then he gave these to his wife. Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"

Thank Your Lucky Shoes
A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn't looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

What You Ask For

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle of perfume. "That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd like to see something really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror.

Two-Word Minimum
A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit."  "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior.  "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

For Any Occasion
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He let the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he was about the obvious mistake.
The florist wisely diffused the man's anger when she calmly said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but just imagine this ... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"

Noah's Ark
The little boy crawled into his Grandpa's lap. "Grandpop," he said, "were you on Noah's Ark?"
"No, of course not," his Grandpa replied.
"Then how come you weren't drowned?"

Something Nice for Charlie
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie...... so I rented him a tuxedo!"

The Best Years of My Life
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

The Wrong Address
A businessman, from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson (JennJohn@world.net).

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

The Happy Widow
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Mud Bath
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

The Final Countdown
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

The Blonde Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

How to Prepare a Turkey Loaf
A new young blonde bride, Patti, calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Sid doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," Patti laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Keep Washington Clean
This woman (of undisclosed hair color) was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."
So the friend says, "You never got there... what do you mean?"
She answers, "You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms', well. . . it takes longer than you think!"

The Blonde's Horses
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, the blonde couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

The Blonde Lookout
There are 2 women carpooling to work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
The blonde again replies "Yes."
"Are they close?" asks the brunette.
Again the blonde replies "Yes."
The worried brunette asks, "Are they going to stop us?"
The blondes only response is a confused "I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

The Magic Mirror
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Help Solve the Puzzle
One day a blonde calls her friend and says, "I need you to come over and help me work this puzzle."
He says, "What's it a puzzle of?"
She replies, "From the box, it looks like a tiger."
So, thinking himself to be a rather good puzzle person, he shows up at her house and she shows him to the table where all of the puzzle pieces are scattered across the table. The friend takes a look at the puzzle pieces, and then at the box, then back at the pieces, then turns to his blonde friend and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Secondly, go get a cup of coffee, and put the cereal back in the Frosted Flakes box."

Two by Fours
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A Blonde in a Snow Storm
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart now... if you want to you can follow me over to Target."

The Blonde Test-Taker
The blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she says. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

The New Guy
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

A New Hearing Aid
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.

The Blondes & the Mirror
Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, and looks in it. She looks again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, silly! It's me!"

Ten Blondes Work a Puzzle
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together... the side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

A Blonde Helps Some Tourists
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr Kiiiiiing."

The Blonde and the Sheep
Another blonde had just had it with the whole blonde thing. She cut her hair, dyed it dark, bought new clothes and a new car, and went driving around in a feisty mood. Soon she came upon a sheepherder with a large flock. She stopped her car, walked over to the sheepherder and said, "I have a proposition for you. If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one?"
"Okay," replied the sheepherder.
The blonde looked around for just a second or two, and said, "412."
"You're right!" said the astonished sheepherder. "Take your pick."
So she made a choice and was loading it into her car when the sheepherder walked over and said, "Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"