Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and s he's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

Irish Prayer

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Irish Shopping

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

You've Been Out Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar is closing.  So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same result.  He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.  Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.  When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 I've Lost Me Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears  streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.  "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.  The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"

The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.  The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds:  "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!  Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks:  "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too!  Let's have another round of drinks to Dublin."
Of course the second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!"  They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis
a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.  While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.  Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.  To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the  standard three.  Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.  Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.  Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.  After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."